Choosing Life

I struggled with addiction throughout my adolescence and into my early adulthood. Of course I had my drug of choice, but what it really came down to was a searching of something outside of myself, to numb me and help me escape from the pain I was harboring within. I couldn't sit with myself, I held beliefs that I was bad, I wasn't good enough, I was broken, something was really, truly wrong with me.

Being a highly sensitive being in a world full of trauma and pain, growing up in a childhood full of trauma and pain, overwhelmed me to the point that I rather escape from my current reality, and ultimately myself. 7 years ago today, I made a promise to myself. I said, "Cherezade, I will not run from you, I will not abandon you, ever again". Over the course of the next 7 years I have truly learned what that promise would entail.

When the days are so dark I forget that sunshine will return, when my heart is breaking into a million pieces and it feels like it will never be mended, when those self-defeating thoughts start creeping in, whispering "you are not enough". I grab that girl on the left side of that picture, I grab my inner child who was made to believe those statements were true, and I hold her, and I tell her "I love you, I see you, and I am here".

There are some who question how I can believe in love so much, especially the power of self-love. How can I be so optimistic even in the midst of the chaos and pain of this world? Well, when you have reached into the deepest darkest crevices of your soul, stared at your own demons in the face, and still had the capacity to love them, you start to be able to see the demons in the world and give love to them too. When you have truly lost all hope, made the decision to leave this world, end this life, and are able to find your will to live again through that, you appreciate every single precious glorious painful moment that LIVING has to offer.

I truly believe the girl on the left side of that photo made it because the woman on the right was cheering her on from the future. "I will not run from you" 7 years....it's breathtaking how much beauty, color, transformation, and love a moment in time can hold.

—Originally Written January 16th, 2018