Rebirthing
The first time I tried crystal meth I was 16 years old. Growing up in Hawaii where it is everywhere you turn, coupled with immense pain and trauma, and a profound sense of feeling alone and lost led me to multiple points of wanting to commit suicide.
I couldn't ever bring myself to, and instead drove myself deeper and deeper into addiction as a means of trying to escape the overwhelming pain I wasnt equipped to cope with.
This is a part of my story most people dont know, and isnt something I share with others often. But I feel that with the immensity of the quickening on the world stage, more and more people waking up and descending into their own dark nights of the soul, and the intensity of the energies that just being alive at this point in time brings, it is time now, more than ever to bring the truth of our beings to the light, outside of any shame, so that we can continue to walk one another home and be beacon's of hope for those traversing their own pain and shadows.
I truly feel now more than ever we truly need one another. We need one another without masks, and we need one another doing the deep often hard work of escavating the places within our being that keep us separated from one another. One of those ways I am choosing to remove the barrier of separation is by sharing in my story more authentically and removing the shame that often comes with parts of my story that aspects of me still rather hide from.
9 years ago today I made the commitment to myself to learn to love myself which was a completely foreign concept, I made a promise to myself to face the pain and trauma I kept running from, and I made the commitment to heal. This commitment was first initiated through walking away from substance abuse and addiction and starting my healing journey which would include flying across the country to rehab to be in a healing space of women all of us turning toward our trauma together.
9 years later and the healing has not stopped. The layers just get deeper and the spiral continues on. But what I have gained through this path of radical self awareness, and radical self love is beyond words.
I have reawakend my soul, and have touched the depths of my heart and womb. I have the strength and courage to face all that exists within me. No matter how dark or painful this may be. And the love I contain within my heart pours forth for the world.
As I sit here in Bali, with more traversing of the depths of my shadows 'as surely she brings EVERYTHING to the surface' I am gifted with this re-birthed day in which I learned to to see life with new eyes.
Although I may still experience painful dark days, the amount of love that flows through me and that graced me innumerable ways, has grounded me in the knowing that I am meant to be here. And more importantly that I want to.
I live a life that weaves the pain and beauty. And although I know life can be oh so very painful, I also know it can be exquisitely sweet, ecstatic, and so richly full.
—Originally Written January 17th, 2020