My Personal Spiritual Awakening & Healing Journey

[[TRIGGER WARNING::Topics include drug addiction, drug dealing, police, sexual assault]]

::My spiritual awakening didn't start with a magical kundalini awakening that sent orgasmic waves of bliss through my body (that came much later lol) It actually began with me quite literally crawling my way out of the depths of my own hell::

As far back as I can remember I have always felt a deep connection to spirit. As a child I would see and hear spirits. I would know that I was entering into another dimension. Often with the trauma I experienced I would leave this plane altogether and enter into a safe beautiful world far away (I would later come to visit this place in Quantum Healing sessions). I didnt know at the time where parts of me were leaving to. But it made sense to why my consciousness did not retain the memories of my sexual abuse.

In my adolescence I sought the spiritual path through religion. Becoming a devout Christian, I went to church 3 times a week, reading daily devotionals, and got baptized. And although I had already started abusing substances prior, starting at the age of 13, there were pockets in time where I would sincerely try to move beyond my pain.

I have also always been a mystic. Delving within Christianity initiated me into meditations on the beach, focusing with the sun entering my 3rd eye and filling my body with God's love, Christ's love. The Bible never told me to do this, it came intuitively.

Although I sought refuge through religion and had countless mystical and spiritual experiences on that path. I ultimately still was not facing the truth of my childhood. The truth of my pain. As surely as I would reach heights of beauty connected to God, I soon would be plummeted back into darkness, into triggers, and back to trying to numb out and seeking to forget my pain.

My early years were vast periods of oscillation. Moving between periods of time of being a "normal" teenager, actually attending school (I even was a cheerleader for a moment in time ), but these periods wouldn't last long and I would oscillate to the other extreme of losing myself in drugs, hanging around the "wrong crowd" which I surely was a part of, and inccuring more trauma through these experiences.

A combination of my abusive/toxic father moving back into my life and entering into a very abusive romantic partnership resulted in 2 years of spiraling with deep triggers and wounds that I was ill-equipped to deal with. When I finally left that relationship I slowly but surely slipped back into the depths of drug abuse. And within 6 months I had relapsed back into a meth addiction.

The first time I tried crystal meth I was 16 years old. My friends mother gave it to us. I spent the entire summer spiraling into the depths of this world. When my mother found out after I was admitted into the hospital for a severe kidney infection she threatened to send me to rehab for my senior year of high school. I pleaded with her to let me do the in school drug program through Hinamauka and that I could get clean on my own, and I did. Until 3 years later.

This time it was different. I went from using to selling. Immersing myself deep into the world of ICE. My life spiraled quickly into the descents of hell. From getting robbed at gunpoint, almost dieing when my driver fell asleep at the wheel for being up for a week and almost driving us off a cliff, to being drugged and almost raped. The traumas were compounding. And still I couldn't reach out from the depths of hell.

I stopped going home because I couldn't bare to witness my mother's heart breaking with little realization of just how much the devastation of not having me home was having on her. When I saw her next she looked like she had aged 10 years and told me she would cry when ambulances went by with fear that it was me, everytime.

I even had a run in with the police where my partner at the time got arrested and the police officer saw my meth pipe. The police officer had me break the pipe on the sidewalk, and brought up my mother and what she must be feeling with her young daughter caught up in this terrible world. I cried tears with this knowing, and also knowing that even within all of this chaos I still could not get out from the depths of this hell. I truly sincerely wanted to. And I was in so deep.

That is until the night of December 21st, 2010. I had been up for days, and a "friend" offered to have me sleep at his apartment while he was out DJ-ing. He wouldn't be home until the next day as he was staying at his girlfriends house. So I paid him in drugs, went to the apartment, and decided I needed the night off and to sleep as much as needed.

As I sat in the living room I began to feel like I couldn't breathe. My throat tightened, the room starting spinning, I could not get a breath. I was choking. I immediately thought I was having a panic attack. I ran outside and started yelling and alerting everyone who knew me. I ran to the corner to get some fresh air. Where I sat on the curb looking up, and as I did I saw a lunar eclipse occuring.

All of a sudden a voice within me, but not "me", told me to go home. I had never experienced hearing such clear guidance from a force beyond myself before. It chilled me to my bone. And it did so in such a way that I walked home at 5am in the morning after months of not being there. And... slept for 24 hours straight.

When I awoke and put my phone on the charger I was bombarded with various messages with people from the apartment complex asking me if I was okay. I thought to myself "it was just a panic attack im fine" but then their response startled me. They told me the apartment building caught on fire shortly after I had left.

As I walked back over to see what happened I saw that the entire unit that I would have fallen asleep in was burnt to a crisp. It was not there at all. It turns out the fire started next door, but with the way the fire moved, the unit I would have slept in was completely hallowed out and charred to a crisp. I stood in awe. "I would have been sleeping deeply in that apartment from being up for days, no one except the apartment owner would have known I was there". I stood facing this burnt complex and in complete bewilderment by the events that just took place not even 42 hours prior.

That event changed my world, and something within me profoundly changed. I was guided to go home, I had the "panic attack", and if that hadn't happened I really don't know if I would be here telling you this story today.

After this experience, the mystical and magical only started to increase in my life. I also began to wean myself off from meth. (which is basically unheard of), and stopped selling. I began to look into rehabs off island where I could go to heal. I found a rehab in Florida (across the entire United States from Hawaii and that felt really good). I knew I needed to leave the island to truly create distance between that life and the new life I was stepping into. This facility specialized in trauma for Women. I knew I needed to go, and I knew unless I truly started to face and heal all of the trauma I had experienced I would not be able to stay clean.

I was determined...I still am

Since the day of the fire, my life has completely changed. Many of the people who had been in my life and watched me grow up have been astounded by how much I have changed AND that I was able to get out of that world, of addiction to meth.

I have only been reminded time and time again on my journey just how protected and guided I am. That doesn't mean I don't experience heart wrenching experiences or that I don't have my fair share of pain. But rather I know I am not alone and I am being guided from beyond this world. And that I am truly meant to be here.

At that time I couldn't explain what that voice was, or why I had the "panic attack". Was it intuition? Was it God? Was it my guardian angels? Was it the eclipse? At the beginning of my awakening, I didn't know the answer to those questions. And the not knowing, allowed me to start to step into the ways of life that cannot be proved by science. Some happenings cannot be explained and that is where the gold is. That is what broke me open to a world of magical possibility, to see beyond this world, and to enter into a life that embraces the Great Mystery.

My Spiritual Awakening coincided with my healing journey. I have been committed to this path ever since. In just a few short months, January 16th 2021, I will make 10 years clean. I wouldn't have gotten to this point in time if it weren't for the continual courage to face every single aspect of my being with love, compassion, and forgiveness to self. Every haunting memory I've had to relive, feeling and truly being with the anxiety laden nervous system I housed, and the shame of the harm I caused others in the midst of being lost in my own pain. No matter what the external world tells me about myself, whether I am rejected or abandoned by those I love along the way, the force of love I hold for myself is what carries me through all I continue to face. Forgiveness of self has been a key to allowing me to build a different relationship to this part of my story. Along with my unwavering faith in a force greater than my own.

I am also astounded that the Great Jupiter-Saturn Conjunction happening on December 21st of this year, is the same exact date of the fire, 10 years ago.

Can energy ripple through time? Can I from this present moment go back to that time and guide my younger self? I know so, Yes! Has my future self been guiding me all along? Every step of the way on my journey? I know so, Yes! Can all of the love that I hold for my story and for myself be so powerful that it can be felt by my younger self 10 years ago, as a guiding light in the depths of her hell? I wholeheartedly know so, Yes!

Love is the greatest force on this earth. And every step on my journey I am reminded of this unfathomable force that breathes through me. That has taken me into the depths of my own hell and guided me out into a life worth living for.

P.S:: For most of us the Awakening process is not always pretty, there can be very beautiful magical, blissful experiences, yes! But, often it is the deep murky excavations of self and the journeying through our own dark nights of the soul that birth us through into a new reality. Wherever you are on your journey, especially if you are struggling with addiction, I just want you to know you are not alone. There is a force of beautiful warrior angels souls on this earth who have experienced their own dimensions of hell and unfathomable traumas and are healing, thriving, and growing in their capacity to love. It is very possible. And you are not alone.